you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
