): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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