of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
