I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
how do you play pong handcuffed?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
