what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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