the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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