His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
