How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize