So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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