Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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