Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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