she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize