Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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