There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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