Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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