OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
