I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
