I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
