one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We smell like vodka and hangover
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