I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
