I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
