It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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