Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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