fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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