woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
