the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
