I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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