You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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