Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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