a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
