She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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