hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
