The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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