Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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