I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
