My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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