Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize