I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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