Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
