I feel like abortions should bother me more
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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