Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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