I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You dont lie about slip and slides
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
