yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
