How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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