i wish my penis had a tongue
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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