so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
