He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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