I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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