You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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