Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
