thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
