I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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