this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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