My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
