I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
my liver is dry heaving
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
