The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
