i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
