now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
