i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
